Hols
we are going on our hols tomorrow, should be way more excited than I am. Perhaps it is all that is involved with taking 4 young children to a different country? Surely it can't be as hard as it was last year? Or maybe it the unknown.. the way their routine can all fall by the wayside, which is not necessarily a bad thing...just takes some adjusting to.
I was thinking as I packed the final things into the bags tonight - a week from now we'll be doing exactly the same thing for the journey back......
Life just seems to be rushing on by. Mid March already. The kids finish school for the whole summer the end of May. It is not far off. Wow. This may well be the 'life passing you by' stage.
demanding
Just had a conversation with hubby about 'lifestyle.' Apparently I am a very demanding wife! This is news to me. I don't care where we live, I am not all about furniture or clothes coming from the right stores. I have never asked for jewellry as presents...and have never nagged for a dream car. The only time, back in 2000 that I said I fancied a yellow car for my next car and he took it upon himself to go out and get me one as a surprise for my 30th birthday - which was brilliant, don't get me wrong...and it also pissed off MIL big time as she had got a new car for her 60th birthday but it actually turned out to be 2nd hand - some Irish dodgy import and she was mega pissed off when she got to the bottom of it.
But a friend of ours does seem to have a demanding wife. She has bitched and moaned about them living in the 'wrong' area - so they are moving this month. She wanted a mountain house so that happened last year. She needed a new car...that was Christmas.....she wanted her kids to go to a better school - they now do for $18 000 a year per child - but then she is moaning that her husband has made them cut back in other areas.
Apparently I am demanding because we have 4 kids.....and they are going to the cheapest private school around (primarily as he wants them to have a Catholic education) and there will be 4 lots of college fees. I think we've known this for a long time. We will only be 2 years short of paying off our mortgage by the time the eldest starts college...I think we will be ok financially by them and you know what, one of us can always sell our 'spare car.' And that won't be me - the demanding one.
Mothers Day
It is Mothers Day in England today ...always makes me wonder a little. There'll be people my age with kids of their own getting breakfast in bed and then maybe in the afternoon going to their own mother's house with their kids in tow. None of that for us. In the US it is celebrated later in the year - no idea why at all. Someone said that these holidays are very much a marketing ploy- a Hallmark celebration rather than anything real. Perhaps - not sure.
So yeah, I admit I threw a thought out there for my real mum today. In the 'wonder what she's doing, whether shes seen my 1/2 brothers recently' type of way. I don't think they are big on family either from what I hear from the younger one. The older two (twins) don't even speak that often. Always amazes me...I guess with the twin bond I assumed that they'd be close forever.
But after last year with the trust and the way she manipulated me AGAIN with feelings and this time even brought my kids into it all... well I am 99% sure there'll never be trust again. Never say never but you can only take so much - at least I can.
I think I am very much hiding here in America - avoiding it all kicking off and causing me grief. Even when I call my gran in UK (very very occasionally) I have to really beef myself up for it as you just never know where it is going to lead. And despite being the ripe old age of 37 it still affects me a lot more than I wish it would.
I was saying to a friend the other day - I hope I can get this mothering thing down to a T (?) I mean if I screw this up..what'll I have achieved? At least with the past I have a bloody big scope on the scale of screw ups before I get anywhere close.
Spending
There are some days when I just cannot stand shopping. No matter what it is...milk, bread, you name it.
There was one occasion we still laugh about....hubby had just returned from Asia - a couple of really long flights and his body clock really really off sync. I cannot remember what time of year this was - if I say it was winter I don't sound so lame....(dragging 4 kids out in the freezing cold) but anyhow, he had a driver pick him up from the airport to drive him home (40 mins tops) and as he called me from the car to say he was on his way back I asked him to stop and pick up milk. Apparently that is so not the done thing to do when someone has been gone that long and is tired.....
But anyhow, I am not a fan of grocery shopping. Rarely take a list which explains why I often get to the register and remember something at the back of the store I forgot to buy. I really should try on line grocery shopping - but I have heard horror stories and would be so impatient waiting for the delivery to show. Also we often get deliveries for the other number 5.... we are 'street - they are 'court' - I got their milk delivery for almost a month before it was sorted out.....
But the last 24 hrs I have been in the mood to shop. Yes, I bought groceries. Including hubby's 'banana bread flavored oatmeal.' The stuff stinks, it isn't in a regular store (can't think why) and so today I got him 12 boxes of the bloody stuff. Should keep him sorted for a while.
I also bought a load of new underwear,($500) on line, and a dress, on line, and a book, on line and 4 books - in the flesh - another 5 items of clothing in the flesh - but I didn't try them on there so 3 are going back. And 4 pairs of shoes. That is all I remember - but I was in such a click-away mood I would not be surprised if other parcels show up next week too. It they get the right number 5 that is!!
checking
I was reading something on line the other day by a mum who was at a very low point. I am guessing she must have had very young kids...no school involved. She sounded as though she had lost herself. She spoke of having little to look forward to apart from checking if the mail had been delivered and seeing if she had contact with the outside world. Not sure if she was married or not. She also seemed to know how ridiculous this sounded - she said herself that the majority of envelopes just contained bills....
Unless I have something fab coming through the Post I am not obsessive about checking the mailbox at all. Our mail can be delivered anywhere from 12pm - 7.30pm. But I remember as an au-pair in Germany being mad about checking the mail box to see if there was anything for me. However i should state that I had a long distance boyfriend at the time who was away at University in Oxford and he wrote me almost daily and I lived for his next installment of student life. We were never as good in real life as we were through our letters!!
I still love getting handwritten mail. I have a friend in TN and she too likes to get something other than a bill so we send each other wee cards here and there. Another friend in UK writes very rarely but when she does, she composes mini novels and I look forward to sitting down and reading them. It is so rare to receive the written word like that it almost feels quite Victorian.
Having said that I am an e-mail addict. It's the reason I don't allow myself to get a Blackberry. My American friends are impressed with my texting as it is not so popular out here but I know compared to UK texting I am very very slow....But my e-mail - I am like a 12 year old girl checking it all the time. I can live without the Amazon offers and the Asda Mothers Day reminders (I haven't set foot in an Asda for almost 3 years and have no idea when Mothers Day is in UK)..but from real people I love getting their e-mails. Some I reply to instantly in the hope that they're on line...others are more of a homework assignment to respond to. Some I read and they fill me with dread as I know there will be a mail to forward to 66 friends in 2.3 minutes or something. But it is a crazyily good invention.
But when you don't hear from someone you want to...and you click away feeling very needy. That sucks big time. There's only so many times a day you can check your wireless Internet connection surely. I bet this is the modern day equivalent of picking up the phone receiver to check there was still a dial tone. And just like back then...you can't will someone to write just like you could never get the phone to ring.....no matter how long you looked at the bloody thing.
film
Just returned from the movies...I was in two minds whether or not to go but when we all got back in from riding lessons, the kids were squabbling and I decided I would get dinner sorted and then check my e-mail. If I had a message from a specific person I would go. I did. I went.
Had read such good reviews about "Le Scaphandre Et Le Papillon" - or "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" and was not sure how much longer it would be playing. French with sub titles. Long time since I have seen a French film. My French is v v rusty.
Very interesting film....there were only 5 of us in the theatre....I didn't love it at all and at one stage thought about walking out as it was boring me but I knew it was a true story so wanted to see the outcome (sad). Vague plot - Editor of Elle magazine - healthy 40 something guy has a stroke.....no one knows the cause but there is brain damage and he is paralysed. Cannot speak but can breath unaided. He understands everything around him but is literally trapped in his body. They get him to blink for communication and run through a specially ordered alphabet and he blinks at the correct letter and so they put words together and he writes a book.....
In a way it was uplifting but also very sad. Such a terrible situation.
When we did our wills a few years ago I said that if I were to remain alive but unable to breath independantly and hubby were dead I would leave my care to my brother in law who I get on very well with - he is a lawyer in UK. I was telling him all this and my wishes etc and I think he thought I was winding him up at first. As I had just read a book on Terry Shiavo... it was in my mind as to what I would want to happen if I were in a prolonged vegitative state....not a nice thing to have to even think about but I said that if I were able to see my children and be aware of their presence I would want to be kept alive. But having seen this film tonight I can see how that may actually be a lot for them to have as a burden.....It was certainly a film that leaves you food for thought.
Dos and don'ts
I was writing to someone today about parenting etc. And I said that whilst I often doubted some of the things I did as a mother, all I really had to go on was a lot of what not to do.
1. I will never say that the kid/kids were good when they were babies...implying that anything thereafter is not good
2. I will never give my kids ridiculous ultimatums especially ones that I can't follow through on
3. I will try to never ignore them.....the silent treatment doesn't resolve anything in my book.
4. I will always cuddle them and tell them I love them
5. I will always try to be there for the no matter what.
6. I will try never to keep family secrets from them **
7. I will really try to stay objective when they start dating....knowing that it can back fire if you are really against a boy/girl friend
8. I will teach them all to cook.
9. I will always support their chosen careers (I hope - remind me of this is Bee ever wants to be a stripper in a cage).
10. I will keep quiet when they name their kids. They don't need to know if we ever had neighbours who called their dogs those names....Sure there is plenty more to include but these are the main ones springing to mind....
P** you could say that because I haven't explained my adoption birth mother/grand mother dilemma that I am keeping the secret and I suppose in a way I am. With almost everyone else I am open about it - but until my gran dies then I don;t want to make the situation worse for her. I really shouldn't care at all about her feelings given some of the shit she has pulled with me over the years but I don;t think the kids need to know of that just yet.