Whilst we were away in Mexico I actually got chance to read a fair bit.  I finished my book by the Olympic Medalist - Rulon Gardner - learnt a whole lot about wrestling and also that he is such an unlucky man it seems, you would never want to go anywhere remotely dangerous with him.  I also finished an Anita Shreve book that I had here at home but found on the bookshelf in the house - A Wedding in December.  Quick read - very enjoyable actually.  In the notes afterwards she said she had drawn on her own experiences as a Cancer survivor in writing about one of the character's own illnesses.  I never knew that about the author even though I had read some of her other books.

I have book club on Tuesday.  I just finished 'The Memory Keeper's Daughter' by Kim Reynolds.  I found it quite hard to get into at first - I think that stems from my own background - the daughter given away/secret issue but once I got into the book the similarities seemed to fade and I enjoyed it tremendously. 

Incidentally when I was playing around on my computer last night I came across the Instant messanger thing that I never use - and on the list of people who must have put me on their lists was my half brother - who I have a strained relationship with to say the least and my natural mother.  She must have added me to her list last summer when she was in contact regarding my Gran and the whole selling the house issue.  It was a pang of hurt again even seeing her e-mail address seeing as contact has dried up from her end again.  The trust is lost forever as far as I am concerned.

I listened to an interesting programme on Woman's hour last monday (29th March) on Siblings etc.  Fascinating.  I related to one part in particular.  I never think of my natural mum as a sibling although that is what the secret always implied - she was my 'older sister' but her being away for 20 odd years and turning up again when my Gran was ill -I never understood her motives for claiming I was the one wanting to put my Gran into my home (she had in fact contacted me to see about getting her Sheltered Accommodation).  Well the program mentioned needing to put other siblings down in any way in later life - to still try and win a parent's affection and any underhand way would go to do so.  Maybe this was behind her plotting.  I will never know.

Whilst we were away in Mexico I actually got chance to read a fair bit.  I finished my book by the Olympic Medalist - learnt a whole lot about wrestling and also that he is such an unlucky man it seems, you would never want to go anywhere remotely dangerous with him.  I also finished an Anita Shreve book that I had here at home but found on the bookshelf in the house - A Wedding in December.  Quick read - very enjoyable actually.  In the notes afterwards she said she had drawn on her own experiences as a Cancer survivor in writing about one of the character's own illnesses.  I never knew that about the author even though I had read some of her other books.

I have book club on Tuesday.  I just finished 'The Memory Keeper's Daughter' by Kim Reynolds.  I found it quite hard to get into at first - I think that stems from my own background - the daughter given away/secret issue but once I got into the book the similarities seemed to fade and I enjoyed it tremendously. 

Incidentally when I was playing around on my computer last night I came across the Instant messanger thing that I never use - and on the list of people who must have put me on their lists was my half brother - who I have a strained relationship with to say the least and my natural mother.  She must have added me to her list last summer when she was in contact regarding my Gran and the whole selling the house issue.  It was a pang of hurt again even seeing her e-mail address seeing as contact has dried up from her end again.  The trust is lost forever as far as I am concerned.

I listened to an interesting programme on Woman's hour last monday (29th March) on Siblings etc.  Fascinating.  I related to one part in particular.  I never think of my natural mum as a sibling although that is what the secret always implied - she was my 'older sister' but her being away for 20 odd years and turning up again when my Gran was ill -I never understood her motives for claiming I was the one wanting to put my Gran into my home (she had in fact contacted me to see about getting her Sheltered Accommodation).  Well the program mentioned needing to put other siblings down in any way in later life - to still try and win a parent's affection and any underhand way would go to do so.  Maybe this was behind her plotting.  I will never know.

Bee is our eldest child - she has just turned nine.  She has days when she is a little minx.  She cannot be bothered with her little brothers, They drive her mad and she just wants some peace and quiet.  There are other days when she can't do enough to help them and they all get on well together.  There is quite a gap.  Our youngest Rory is 1.  That is a big spread.  Quite often hubby will take the older two out to do something and I will be left with the younger ones.  It is easier this way but it is a trap - I don't spend enough time with my daughter.  It has a little to do with hubby's non hands on approach with Rory - but that is getting better now that real food is involved etc.  I need to spend more time with Bee but I actually think we're getting closer as she gets older.  Due to my non existant relationship with my mother and gran I worry how it has affected my mothering Bee. I hope it hasn't.  If anything I think it has shown me everything I don't want to be in a parent.  When I became a woman I was fairly young.  No one had explained anything to me apart from all men being dangerous bastards.  The body changes, the bleeding, all that was overlooked.  It was an embarrassing thing to have to discuss so better not to even go there.  When she discovered I was  already there it was her showing up at school with a brown paper bag, an approach of just get on with it and lets not talk about this really.  About as bad as it could be.

Bee is not developing early - thank Goodness, but there are others in her class who are and for that reason alone I know that I am going to have to explain things to her sooner rather than later. And I want to make it right, and go smoothly and make it feel normal and not worry her and not be anytihing embarrassing.  I am quite looking forward to bit in a way.  Perhaps I am being naive.  Any helpful suggestions would be appreciated - anything that worked when you had this stage of life - as a parent or a child.

She had a field trip this week and I was driving her and 2 other girls and just the way she interacted was interesting to see.  She was at ease but desperate to be their equal.  In the car there was also Mac and so things were geared towards a 3 year old.  She was so trying to distance herself from it - which I completely understand.  Whilst I don't want her to grow up too quickly I think we have to watch we don't hold her back to much.  Life - always such a balancing act, eh?

Have you ever felt slighted?  By that I mean this current feeling I have of being slightly miffed with someone - I feel rather used.

A friend I met at Cambridge a good 13 years ago.  We had little in common except she was studying the same course as myself and her boyfriend's sister was in a class at my teaching placement school.  She lived in the home counties, father a dentist, mother a SAHM - wealthy family - about as far away as anything I had going on for me.

We kept in touch.  About our first real teaching jobs - she had a quite cushy one I remember.  I moved here to USA and she still kept in touch - letters etc.  Her then boyfriend also moved to USA and my friend, Bridget, because she was born in Eire, decided to enter their 'Lottery' for a US Green Card (permanent residency) and surprise surpirse, she got one.  She moved over here to be with then boyfriend, giving up her teaching job in the process -hated it out here and fell out with boyfriend and moved on back to UK where she moved in with parents and started a whole new career in HR.  But she still has the Green card and was told that she would need to keep coming to USA every 6 months or so to keep it valid.  So she would come over and visit.  I was pleased of the company and enjoyed going shopping with her etc.  She would load up on cheap American things and trot off back to UK, the letters would follow and that would take us to the next trip.  All in all she came over 3 or 4 times to see us in USA then she was read the riot act by US customs and Immigration who made her hand in the card as she wasn't living here properly - she was not too bothered at all.

I visited her once in uK when I was over with Bee who was just 1 at that time.  She was just learning how to walk.  I stayed a night at her parents' house and they watched Bee whilst we went out  for something to eat.  My friend then moved to her own flat, took exams in HR and still kept in touch.  Then she moved to Paris where she worked for a large company for about 4 years.  We still wrote but our lives were very far removed at this stage.  But we would talk about movies, books and what she missed living away from UK - even though she had a good Ex-Pat deal where she could go home often - all expenses paid.  We would phone each other more and more the past 3 years.  It was easier than writing letters but we still did that too.  Her contract abroad finished and she moved back - to her parents at the beginning of the year.  She has put down a deposit on a new flat but it won;t be completed until 2008. 

I phoned her up a few weeks ago - it was about the same amount of time as we would normally let go by and as I said hello to her I almost heard a sigh in her voice.  This was always a 2 way friendship - or so I thought. It certainly wasn't like I stalked her or clung to the frirndship. The number of times when she would phone me as I was changing a nappy or about to pick up a child from school - things she had no concept of - We chatted like normal and she was telling me about the new job etc and was polite enough to ask about the kids etc but as we said goodbye I think I knew that I really wouldn't be hearing from her again.  It felt quite sad - and I know we have both moved on in different directions with our lives but that has been the case for the past 10 years.  More than anything I felt used -I was ok when I was someone to visit and take to the outlet stores - or to listen to her on the phone when she was homesick in Paris.  But now she is back in UK and working again, being taken care of at home and she doesn't have the same voids for me to fill.  I actually feel quite angry.  Her loss.

The boys and I have been sorting out our 'junk room.'  When I say 'the boys and I' it is really the occasional helping hand from Paddy and Mac really just saying wow at everything we find.  Rory can now climb onto the sofas and dangle over the edge as though he is going to fall and break his neck at any minute so he's not that much help. 

So in this junk room we have a collection of rubbish - things we don't really need and every paint pot used in painting the house.  I unpacked 2 final moving boxes (hey we only moved in here 3 years ago) and found a few things I hadn't been able to find previously and always wondered where they were.....

There was also the range of baby things that Rory no longer needs.  So I have been quite productive in making a pile of things to go to Goodwill (charity shop) and we have just done 2 trips with baby swings, bouncing seat, exersaucer, some clothes, musical baby toys.  It was actually quite sad.  But whilst I was ok with these things gathering dust in the 'storage space', the act of giving to them where someone can actually make use of them - well I know it was the right thing to do but it was also bitter sweet.  Does that make sense?  And then Paddy in his innocence said 'Well what about if you have another baby?'  And I told him we could always go  and get them back. 

But I am going to go and now sort out the remainder of the clutter which looks like some spare kitchen cupboard doors and for some reason a lot of Halloween pumpkins !?  Although I am sad I always feel better when I declutter so we'll see......