It is Mothers Day in England today ...always makes me wonder a little.  There'll be people my age with kids of their own getting breakfast in bed and then maybe in the afternoon going to their own mother's house with their kids in tow.  None of that for us.  In the US it is celebrated later in the year - no idea why at all.  Someone said that these holidays are very much a marketing ploy- a Hallmark celebration rather than anything real.  Perhaps - not sure.

So yeah, I admit I threw a thought out there for my real mum today.  In the 'wonder what she's doing, whether shes seen my 1/2 brothers recently' type of way.  I don't think they are big on family either from what I hear from the younger one.  The older two (twins) don't even speak that often.  Always amazes me...I guess with the twin bond I assumed that they'd be close forever.

But after last year with the trust and the way she manipulated me AGAIN with feelings and this time even brought my kids into it all... well I am 99%  sure there'll never be trust again.  Never say never but you can only take so much - at least I can.

I think I am very much hiding here in America - avoiding it all kicking off and causing me grief.  Even when I call my gran in UK (very very occasionally) I have to really beef myself up for it as you just never know where it is going to lead.  And despite being the ripe old age of 37 it still affects me a lot more than I wish it would.

I was saying to a friend the other day - I hope I can get this mothering thing down  to a T (?)  I mean if I screw this up..what'll I have achieved?  At least with the past I have a bloody big scope on the scale of screw ups before I get anywhere close.